Learning to Lean

Its been a long week....

2009-10-09T13:57:00.003-04:00

Last weekend I started to not feel so hot my glans were swollen and I was tired completely feeling like I was coming down with something. Saturday night I went to church then went out with friends as u`sual went to bed feeling kinda crapy. Stayed home sunday except for a trip to urgent care to be told I had respiratory illness no really. I was hacking up lungs I didnt know that!! Then monday the coughing got bad and I could not get my fever to stay down so off to the emergency room I went. Viral respiratory syndrome go home get lots of rest and drink lots of fluids. Thursday came I was suppose to go in for an inservice at work still had a slight fever and a rash reappeared under my arms. Could not get into the dr for the life of me so I went to sparrow urgent care where that dr said sounds like swine flu to me but cdc wont let us test( dont get me started on that one.) That dr extended my stay home in isolation to society until monday. In the meantime I am going nuts. I want chocolate, I want contact with the outside world I would like to see my friends or at least hear from them on the phone none of the above are happening at least not till monday so that is my long week.

Overwhelmed by life.

2008-10-09T23:10:00.002-04:00

This week was one heck of a week. On Tuesday Oct 7th was the one year anniversary of my grandmas death. I now work where she was before she died and was concerned about working that day. Earlier in the day I had, had a brief conversation with one of my pastors and knew I was going into work covered with prayer. I really didn't have a hard time until one of my residents begin the journey of death. But while that too was sad I was able to provide care for my resident and her family knowing what made me comforted and helped as I sat with Grandma as she died. Shortly before picking up my check this afternoon she passed and the family all thanked me for my tears as it made them feel comforted. Looking back over the last few days while I was grieving God used my grief to help another family. I started thinking of maybe possibly doing some hospice nursing. Tonight I also need to be reminded that my reaction to other things this week also comes out of my grief and can make some of the small things seem big and some of the big Things seem overwhelmingly HUGE.

Love you always and forever grandma miss you tons"WHEN WE ALL GET TO HEAVEN WHAT A DAY OF REJOCING THAT WILL BE."

Love you forever......

2008-09-11T00:14:00.002-04:00

This is my grandma Gilson she has been gone almost one year now. I love her lots to this day my grandma was always there. She lived behind us while we were growing up. Now that fall is coming a friend of mine was talking about making applesauce and asked if I ever had. My grandma had apple trees in her yard and I do remember making applesauce with her and my mom using the apples from her trees. I was extremely young so its a blurred memory but its one no the less. I remember climbing the apple trees. I remember raking the leaves into piles and then she would let us jump in them her yard was always full of leaves in the fall. While I wish she was still here I am no she is now made perfect. Love you Grandma always and forever.

Just want to....

2008-09-01T00:17:00.003-04:00

Get in the car and drive go somewhere anywhere just not here. BUT... I have to work tomorrow. I had to work memorial day and the weekend of fourth of july but not july 4th. I have a challenging Hall at work tomorrow too. But I have tuesday off and plan to stay put Now do I make anysense? No I didnt think so.

That Old House

2008-08-21T22:23:00.000-04:00

This is my childhood home. This house could tell many of story. My parents live in my grandmas house so they put this one on the market two weeks ago and closed on it yesterday its a blessing for them and it is just a house but it still makes me a little sad. This house is a two bed room ranch that housed all 8 of us at least up to my senior year of high school. I have five brothers and sisters we are all adopted different ones coming at different times. When I was in fourth grade my two youngest sisters were the last to come they were my other grandmothers foster kids and so the courts thought it was in there best interest if they came to live with us permanently(sp), they already knew us and spent lots of time with us so it wasnt too much of an adjustment. My parents moved their bedroom back to the master bed room and put us four girls in the basement before the walls went up to make official bedrooms all four of our beds were side by side. When the walls went up the basement was divide into three rooms on the side that was not the laundry room side. Two bedrooms and the closet and play area was in between the two rooms my sisters and I affectionately dubbed this room the "middle". The ceiling in the basement was never done so noise always rose up to living room where mom and or dad would kick the floor with their foot. "Quiet down there girls!!!" We were growing up when cabbage patch kids first came out and we all had flannel night gowns with a cabbage path kid on the front. One night my older sister decided she was going to turn off the light before I was ready for bed I whipped the my night gone over my head to whip at her and it sparked before you knew all four of us girls met in the "middle" and turned off all the lights and spent the next few minutes making our night gowns spark,laughing up a storm, next thing we heard THUMP THUMP THUMP...girls dont make me come down there go to bed! Now the boys they dug a hole to china and struck water instead. We had some hard times in that house too but in the end the things we still talk about at family get togethers are the silly things us kids did in that house. I will miss it but thankful we all still live close.

School

2008-08-15T12:23:00.002-04:00

I just found out last night that I was working in the wrong class a week after school started luckily it is at home course so I just has to back up and restart the other course today. I am at the library right now waiting for the computer to catch up with my print job. I am off today and work the weekend so far all of you actually having fun this weekend enjoy

What was the number one song the day you were born

2008-08-14T02:28:00.001-04:00

Click here and see what was the number one song the day your were born and then leave me a comment
the day I was born was torn between two lovers.http://www.joshhosler.biz/NumberOneInHistory/SelectMonth.htm

If you had to pick

2008-08-12T01:26:00.002-04:00

So my blog may be boring maybe thats why I dont get many readers so I will type a few things I am learning here as I begin school so.... If you had to pick a perosn of physcosocial development who would you agree with ? Freud, Erikson, Gould, Havighursts or peck unless you are elderly I seriously doubt you would find yourself under peck. Frueds id ego and superego and conscious unconscious and preconscious mind make a little sense but seem a little weird at all the same time. Havighurts life is pretty much what life is where in a given age range you learn to do certain things. But then again when you look at defense mechanisms it makes freuds theory seem to make sense. So I think for me today frued makes the most sense.Tomorrow maybe different and if you have no clue what I was even saying ask questions and I will be able to study by answering your question.

First day back

2008-08-10T22:47:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is my first official day back to school I will be spending it at the library printing off my first packet for school. I am cant wait to get started. I hope its what i am thinking the experience will be. But for tonight I am at my best friends house watching the olympics with her and her kids.

school begins

2008-08-05T13:40:00.002-04:00

School will begin for me this week or next I will be doing the college network program at home through excelsior college. I just have to wait for the first course to come this week. I am off to go clean grocery shop and do laundry as I know that I will be needing to start budgeting my time once again. I am excited and wondering what I am doing at the same time I just hope this was a wise decision.

Long story short

2008-07-30T01:58:00.001-04:00

I took the first couple of steps toward going back and completing my RN today Its really late and I just got home from work stay tuned and check back tomorrow for the complete story. I will be blogging this journey for sure.

finding the words

2008-05-18T22:29:00.004-04:00

i have decided to blog again so watch for new posts.

going silent on the blog

2008-04-24T10:51:00.002-04:00

The blog will be silent for a while as I think I am going to get rid of internet and phone the phone doesnt ring one or two people read the blog occassionally and email is all junk for those of you who know me you should already have my gmail email address and can use that to contact me using that email address I can check email from my parents house or via my cell phone.

back to work

2008-04-21T00:27:00.002-04:00

After a week off of work to allow my back to recoup I go back to work tomorrow. My back was almost better and then I had to finish moving this weekend. My mom attempted to help friday night with the two or three trips she took the car. Friday night I unload the van and the saturday I spent the morning by myself finishing the move. I had recruited help from a friend after a search for helpers and my cell phone died and thinking I was going to be with my mom longer than I was I told that friend to call my moms cell phone . Needless to say my friend called and I was not with my mom and so my mom took the liberty to tell the help I recruited that she thought I would be able to get all in one load and not to bother driving out here to help. HELLO the point was I didnt want to do all that lifting and carrying things up three flights of stairs and risk not being able to go back to work. Well my back hurts I have layed around all day today with heat and Took a muscle relaxer so and that help some what. I plan on going back to work so pray that my back can take it. The dr did say if it still hurt monday come back in. The original urgent care trip gave me a script for physical therapy but I trust my primary care physcian more and he said rest to me therapy isnt rest but we will see what the return trip to my doc says. So the move is 100% complete minus all the unpacking and organizing if anyone local is reading this and is good at helping people organize or get rid of stuff I need your help I have way to much stuff!!!!! my once clean apartment now could be declared a disaster area.

Reading

2008-04-16T22:44:00.002-04:00

While I am anxious to get back to work next monday I have to say that I have thourougly (Sp?) enjoyed my leisure reading time. Last night I finished the book Mistaken Idenity that I talked about in my last post then I picked up "Hope Wish" This book is so good but if I tell you what its about I cant you what its about because it will reuin the story line. I am wanting to write more in my blog about things I am learning from God as a result from reading about these different peoples lives. I will most likely finish hopes wish tonight or tomorrow so I went out a bought another book today when my mom came to pick me up so I could have dinner with her and my sister who came in from out of town for the tonight and tomorrow. I tried to convince her to stay the night with me but she didnt want to have to spend the gas to drive the 20 minutes to my parents house in the morning but thats okay because being on restrictions I have things all over the apartment because I have not finished unpacking and putting things away let alone the fact I still have stuff at my old roommates place. I am a little bummed my church is holding its first five k this weekend and I was planning on doing it and now I am not able to.Well if I keep writing I wont have anything to say tomorrow. So for now as my dear grandmother would say good night sleep tight and wake up in the morning bright and I would reply with and dont you let them bed bugs bite!!

a time to rest....

2008-04-15T10:40:00.002-04:00

So not that I like missing a whole week of work but this past week I some how injured my back and ended up with sciatica on my left side. For a few days I was walking with crutches because I couldnt even stand without excruciating pain. Yesterday I ditched the crutches in the afternoon after waking up from a nap I only had a little pain so after some motrin the pain was gone I did one load of laundry my taxes and cleaned the kitchen thats when my back decided to tell me it was not really better so I am alternating between laying down and sitting up this morning I need to get a few groceries and may go out with my mom later to get them. If you need a good book to read try Mistaken identity it is about the Two families and their stories following an 2006 accident involving students from taylor university I am almost finished with the book right now and I can only pray to have the kind of faith and hope that these families have decided to publicly share with the world. I will need another book to read by the end of the day so if you have any suggestions please let me know. And for all you beth moore fans she has a study in esther that will release in Nov 2008. and if you have not done your taxes yet dont forget today is the 15th.....lol

The rigt stuff.....

2008-04-04T19:42:00.002-04:00

o o oh ohoooh you've got the right stuff. Their back 20 years later the new kids on the block will be having a new album releasing this coming fall and they are doing a reunion tour. What is funny about this is not to long ago I told one of my friends I wanted to have an 80's party and play new kids music and have the ice cream store make a new kids cake do they still sell teen bop ?or tiger beat...

still at it....

2008-03-31T12:25:00.001-04:00

I am still trying to get stuff out of the old place and into the new. I can't wait for the day when I can just lay one the couch and do nothing. Or at least put things away in my own time and not have to rush and feel like I am inconveincing someone else. Also please pray for my friends they had an 11 pound baby on friday and the baby is now in the Nicu on a vent please pray for this family it is a gilr I work with and I am sure it doesnt help being a nurse and knowing more about whats going on than you want to.

Its all about how you look at it.....

2008-03-25T01:00:00.002-04:00

So I stand corrected by one of my pastors. This weekend at church he was talking about how we shouldnt be grumpy at the snow because it reminded him of a very fitting verse for easter weekend. Isaiah 1:18 though your sins were as scarlet they shall be made white as snow.

SNOW SNOW GO AWAY!!!!

2008-03-22T00:47:00.002-04:00

I left for work around 1:30 yesterday afternoon and it wasnt even looking like it was going to snow by the time I had been at work for one hour it hit and it hit hard it took me almost 25 minutes to drive the 10 minutes home. I am so ready for spring I think my mood is too!!!

I will be the biggest looser

2008-03-18T23:51:00.002-04:00

So in January my friend and I began the biggest looser alone with the show and while my work schedule has kept me from our tuesday night work out on commercials and I am still trying to stick to my goals and guess what I found the coolest site today it is called Sparkpeople.com this guy had a company similar to ebay. Ebay bought him out so he used 5 million of his own money to create a free online way for people to loose weight you track your fitness your nutrition you have your own blog ect FREE people and you can sign up to be in communities so you can get online support there are two christian groups I have found so far go check it out.www.sparkpeople.com

almost in

2008-03-16T12:00:00.002-04:00

I have been moving into my new apartment since this past wednesday. I had furniture moved in yesterday but I still have a lot of clothes and books and a few other things to bring over yet but it is finally beginning to feel like home. I now have computer access too so I am hoping to blog more often.

Moving Time!!!

2008-02-29T19:33:00.002-05:00

I have great news for everyone!!! I got accepted to rent an apartment!! I will begin moving into my new apartment on March 14th. I am in need of a couch and a dinning room set if anyone knows of any floating around. Thanks and once I get settled I would like to have some friends over.

Updates

2008-02-27T09:38:00.003-05:00

Its been a while since I have posted so I thought that I would fill you all in with some updates.
I have been at a new nursing job for a little over one month now and that is going well. This weekend I am looking at a couple apartments in hopes of renting one of them. Thats really all thats new.

Loss of the week....

2007-12-20T18:20:00.000-05:00

So as some of you know I have a lost quite a bit lately. In Early September I was failed out of the final semester of nursing school for now passing a math test. In Early October I lost my grandmother whom I loved dearly. This week I lost my job. My first nursing job at that. I don't really want to go into the details here those who know me and want to know may inquire within. I am not sure what tomorrow brings but am asking for prayer right now. Thanks.

been a while

2007-11-24T20:09:00.000-05:00

So it has been a while since I blogged. I was talking to my friend sarah today and told her I would maybe blog so here it is I am blogging. I dont know what to blog about but I thought I would make an attempt at an entry so here it is.

Update on life:
I have made the official decision to not return to nursing school at this time. I am going to continue working full time at my LPN job I am not saying that I wont go back to school at all but for now that is my decision.

I started counseling a couple of weeks ago. For several reasons; let issues go way to long, grandma dying and more that I will not be blogging about here.

I have some wonderful friends that are supportive and listen and laugh.

So I guess thats all I have to say for now. Will try and blog again soon.

Out of the mouths of babes.....

2007-10-21T17:13:00.000-04:00

I was with my nephew yesterday and he wasnt feeling good and had crawled up on my lap and told me his tummy hurt. I began asking him if different areas of his belly hurt when he whines"Don't be a nurse" sorry you had to be there it was funny. And if you ever meet him and he's says let's play the "huff" he wants to play out the story of the three little pigs and the "huff" is aka the wolf.

Gave in....sorta

2007-10-19T13:51:00.000-04:00

Well I finally sorta gave in. I went to the Dr. the other day explained everything going on and requested that he put me back on an antidepressant. I am on day two so we'll see how it goes. I have decided to return to school I think I am really hesistant but I think its what I need to do.He also prescribed me a sleeper but its not covered and cost $294 so for now I will continue to struggle with sleep. I will post again soon when my thoughts are more organized. Talk with you all soon hopefully.

Love you forever....

2007-10-15T17:07:00.001-04:00

Sunday October 7th you went to heaven, you always wished you could die on a Sunday. I have wondered if God granted you that wish for you or for me as a comfort. I miss you so much already.

Love you forever.

Half Marathon Finisher!!!

2007-10-01T10:00:00.000-04:00

I walked/ran the Captial City River Run yesterday my first half marathon ever and came in at 3 hours and 32 minutes thats a 16 minute mile. And I should ad I barely trained. I intended to it just never happend. Heres the picture.

Good books

2007-09-21T14:24:00.000-04:00

Now that I am on a so called break from school I am looking for good books to read perferably non-fiction so if you have a suggestion please let me know if you need a suggestion try one of these:
Velvet elvis- Rob Bell
Sex God- Rob Bell
Blue Like Jazz-Don Miller
Through Painted deserts -Don Miller
Under the overpass- MikeYankoski
All were really good books

getting there

2007-09-20T08:28:00.000-04:00

While week two working midnights I have had some tough times with no sleep but I think i found a pattern that works for me yesterday so i think I am going to try it. by the way if you read my blog let me know you read it so i know its worth actually writing here and not just in my journal.
Thanks

Adjusting...

2007-09-12T09:51:00.000-04:00

Well I am slowly adjusting to midnights I was in tears the other night. I was hating my job for the first time since becoming a nurse and it bothered me. Was I hating it because I was tired or because I am still upset about not being in school or because it was no longer my unit? I dont know what the answer is but for a brief moment in time I was even questioning being a nurse. I know partly I need an attitude adjustment I dont like the supervisor we have on at night and the nurses dont work as a team that well. I miss my days and my residents. But I do get to float so maybe I will be back on my unit soon. Its frusterating when you think that God told you to do something and you start moving in that direction just to have it all fall apart. No one from school calls and these are the people I have called friend and spent the majority of my time with the last four years so where does someoone whose 30 go to make friends when the work 5 nights a week and everyone else works days. I have been going to our singles/young couples group at church and trying to participate despite not knowing anyone. Despite not connecting well I love my church and have grown leaps and bound since being there. So I think that just what life is all about... ADJUSTING.

When Hard Things Get Harder

2007-09-09T12:39:00.000-04:00

August 23, I started the final semester of nursing school. August 30,2007 was my last day of my last semester of nursing school....for now. We have a math test that we must take and pass every semester in order to stay in the nursing program. Well I didn't pass my math was set up correctly but some how my answers all ended up with decimal points in them. When you take a nursing med math test that in real life would equate to med errors so our school takes this very seriously. I talked with the department head and tried to ask for an investigation into the calculator that wasnt successful either. I have to reapply to the nursing program for January. Bummer being I no longer get to graduate with the friends I have made over the last two years. One friend had to drop due to a family emergency so I am hoping and praying we at least get back into the program together. So for now I am going to be working at my LPN job full time and working on math problems left and right. Midnight shift here I come.

There is a first time for everything.......

2007-07-27T17:59:00.000-04:00

.....Including your first time using an outhouse. Today we went to pick my cousin up from church camp and he was at horse camp so the bathroom there was an outhouse. My almost three old nephew is working really hard at potty training so I took him to the outhouse to use the potty. Being a boy and not good at aim yet I had to remove his shorts and pull up and sit him backwards on the potty. Needless to say it was hot outside and as all outhouses do it was smelly. As he stared into the the deep abyss into which his potty was going he said that deep and its stinky. After accomplishing the great feat of putting peepee in the potty he reclothed and looking perplexed said:" Wheres the silver thingy" Try explaining to a potty training three year old that not all potties flush.

2 x4's from God

2007-07-16T21:11:00.000-04:00

2 X 4’s From God.

This year I turned thirty and so did my church. They have been doing a series called the big three-o Noel presented us with the challenge to be in God’s word more. Paul the next week challenged us to be worshipers. The following week JR challenged us to be teachable and this last week Mark challenged us in our finances. One thing that Mark said is that how many times have we not been obedient to a direction of God because we have been fearful as to the outcome? I know of times I didn’t go on short term missions trips in high school and beyond because I didn’t know how I would raise the funds I wasn’t trusting God to provide. I have told several people that I think God wants to use my nursing for him somehow just in how he has continually been my provision through nursing school. My friend Cindy and I went to a selah concert one year and had a joke going there was something she was thinking about doing and said she would do that I am could go be a nurse at a hospital laban ministries was building in the congo. Well it may not be the congo I still sense god asking me to do something outside of my comfort zone. Just today I was talking about ships with someone and I had made the comment it would be neat to work with some place like mercy ships. Then tonight I was reading in the books called Completely His: Loving Jesus without limits. By Shannon Etheridge and she just happends to mention how the lord led her husband to be the chief financial officer of mercy ships international. And again while it might not be mercy ships I cant help but think god is calling me to something bigger than what my life is now. And in all human honesty I also feel so inadequate to be a missionary or something of the likes. But I feel the pull and for the first time in a long time I feel connected with God.

Excellent Books to read

2007-07-04T12:07:00.000-04:00

Well its been a really long time since I have blogged. Not much has changed though, I went the LPN position at Ingham count Medical care facility and Rehabilitation services. I love my job and look forward to going to work.... Okay most days sometimes I am really tired but I do love my job. School starts back in session august 23 and I will be starting my last semester of nursing school.

Okay so as far as the really good books to read they are Velvet elvis by Rob Bell and I just started reading Sex God by Rob bell.

Church is celebrating their 30th anniversary this summer and Two weeks ago Noel gave message where he said he could almost bet those that did not have their bible with them probably didnt know where it was or it was sitting on a shelf collecting dust so I took the challenge to start reading so far I have read about Jacob and easu and the whole birth right story and I read all of ester and may I say while the movie a night with the king is a good movie to me it made it look like esther was actually trying to suduce the kings messenger and the king. I have also made it through the first six chapters of Job.

I dont know what I am doing for the fourth I am hoping to do something fun. I went to holland state park last weekend and got fried.

Well I wish I had something deep to say today but I dont if you want a good book to read its velvet elvis by rob bell.

30 far from flirty and surviving

2007-02-25T12:11:00.000-05:00

Well its back to one of those times I don't know exactly what brings me to this point except for the fact that my life became very different from most of the people whom I called friend ten years ago. I rarely hear from anyone any more I know my life is busy too but I feel like I do all the calling. Its a pretty lonely world when you are thirty and dont go to the bar. Or when the activities at church are couple oriented. Any suggestions for ideas to do to help keep loneliness at bay would be appreciated.

guiding my path

2007-02-18T17:03:00.000-05:00

WOW!!! I recently recieved my LPN license and went about applying for jobs. I didn't apply for one job at a time I applied for four. At first I was thinking yeah right the school only told us that we could walk into a job. Well all of a sudden one day I end up with all four jobs in my lap and afraid to make the decision about which one to take. Well I sat on the bathroom floor to read the bible to look for a memory verse to put on my mirror. I flip open to Psalms and there verse jumped right off the page on to my mirror. It is Psalm 32:8 and it says:" The LORD says I will guide you along the BEST path for your life I will advise you and watch over you." God was reminding me that if I sought his counsle he would help make it clear which job I should take and once I took the job I felt he was directing me to there were some scheduling wrinkles I anticipated to have to work out and he went before me and worked them out before I had to even ask about them.

Just because thats what we grew up with

2007-01-02T22:57:00.000-05:00

Did you grow up in the church? Have you ever found yourself trying to move from that faith being you families faith to your own personal faith and your own personal relationship with God? Thats where I am in live right now. I questioned for awhile but I want to live my life in relationship with God this blog is going to be my journal or that journey.